Total colour blindness

My apples are grey

The poster child of dull

The grapes a shade lighter, so are the pears

Such is what I have tuned my eyes to

For the world has too much red 

Awash

Clear visioned

My eyes, only to hurt 

Each day now spent, hoping to end

Either me , or if wither the world

But neither does

And I am tugged

Only to be dragged on endlessly

Over and again

To see humans

Feel at home with hate.

there may be no life in words
but in voices that speak of those
yet there may be no meaning
if the heart never knew love
what if we were lied to
and of such things as precious as care, touch and love itself
that would just be human
or what we call so
but then again
should we look beyond
deeper into the skies
we would fall into the abyss
of coldness and dark
that spins stars , colourful galaxies
yet is devoid of such fake
such pretense makes us human

The book rested on printed hypnotic circles

Bookmarked by a dark blue starry weave

draped in a grey polka dotted satin

It woke to a morning reading

I lifted the open book

Tracing the fine prints

I moved the bookmark away

Dived deep, tasting the gentle words

The book spoke in gentle breaths

Of calm and roars

Like a seashore, awash, lashed

To be drenched and splashed again

Often and again the book would encase me

Surround me by its wide-open pages

And hold me draw me deeper

And drown me in its mystic wonders

 

 

random

I love these early morning treks

Amongst the mountains part and open into valleys

Making me want to wade through them, over and again

Be surrounded and gripped, amongst the gentle fresh forest

The valley has a taste of amazement

A hint of mist and madness

As I wade through, I draw circles

Amongs the banks of the river shallows

As I dive into the river

The mountains tower above

They cast their gentle net of lacey satin clouds

Hiding me amongs them

I could dip and submerge over and over

in the hot spring

Fall asleep and be covered

as the sun and the moon chase each other

shades

Vines cast shadows

Inviting me to swing

Tug at my pretense of calm

And expose the wilds within

The wines , amongst shafts of light

Wrap around me

Holding me to the wilderness

Command me to blend in

As I enter deep into the wild

I kiss the gentle bright reds above

The colours swirl, paint my lips

And fade into dark, as I close my eyes

I can hear the gentle heave ,rustle of the green sheets

Of legs that trace the forest floor

Winding through , tying me close

Melting me deep, madness galore

she speaks like a good book would

She sits before me

Cross legged

A book, many volumes, in one

It is not an easy one either

So I reach out

I free her from the cotton and linen

And feel her embossed curves and edges

They are gentle and smooth

Warm and beautiful

I gently open the book half way through

Peeking in for a closer read

Her words taste like gentle hues

Of the setting sun and rising moons

The two halves of the book rustle

In moans and heavy breaths

I inch closer and closer

To feel the smell of the open book

And lose my mind, drenched in her words

As my tongue reads her inside out

work days of a quarantino

In sets of three

every picture, he has clicked

In different colours, togerher as a collage

Not serving to impress, influence, only postulate

If they didn't, he would himself scrap them

One in his hunger

Of knowledge and beyond

Questioning his own hunger for such

One of multidimensional thoughts

Or need thereof 

One of his need, wants, feelings of love

Rather its lacking, and if so whys'

One , where his tube searches for hers

Each

Distinct, yet a part apart a parting an apartheid 

Treated as such

Punished as such

Stilled

Unstilled, often in such wanton thoughts

Of macabre , of inconvenient, of unconcern

Only for it all to be nothing

To wake up in such thoughts

Randomly, to look at his watch

Its 11, work calls.

The lands of asunder

Follow me men

Follow me men

Follow me to the unexplored lands

Riddled with fire, ice , and lost hands

Where the only hope is exasperation

And love is but a fascination

Here we are the lesser men

Here we are the unapologetic 

Here we are the ones that cannot have the other

For our ego shall not be allowed to bend

Follow me men

Follow me men

To the lands that folklore teaches never to visit

Follow me men

Follow me men

To the darkest undertones of broken relationships

As we dip our feet in this Acheron 

Feel the wanton joys of winning

Let's forsake the golden coin

There is no boatman 

And there is no shore once you dip your feet in

There is only forward , onward to the cringe

For this is the paradise of rage.

recollections

I walked past the abandoned villa

At some point it glowed in the evenings

Through its windows

The walls now bear countless names

Of lovers who often meet there, in secret

Away from prying eyes

For the world hates lovers

As I walked past 

I heard a voice call out my name

Turning around , I saw the caller

A beautiful frail woman in her forties

Raju, is that you? She asked

It was I , as I replied

She rushed through the gate, on towards an embrace

And I stood there, confused

Did I know her? I thought embarrassed

Is this someone I forgot along

She whispered , asked me to walk into the villa

We sat there at its foot steps

The place was familiar, yet not her.

As we sat she sand an old song

Familiar, so I sang along

And as we sand, I recollected

I had written it, as a teen

As we laughed and sat at the steps

The sun was ready to fade and go

She said, let us scribble our names

And I wrote smilingly

Me and My forgotten song

At which I walked through the gate

Bid goodbye to the villa

I had found my old song

And my smile, and it was all worth this one trip.

Life is such

Trips and memories

Recalled, forgotten, over and again

To learn (I)

Part 1

Let me feel the longing for you

As a lover, let my insides churn

And you be the ever evading, denying, evil woman

For I want to feel what it is to have loved and lost

Will you in one manifestation be so

Is this woman's wish Hari

Let me feel the joy

Of seeing you , yet be away

Be tormented and cast aside

Ever and again

Let me fold into my own body

Weep countless nights

I would want to be born a man

A man in love, overcome by madness 

Failed in my logic, shunning my truth

Let me at such be subjected to your coldness

Yearn in wanting to hear you

At which you would blatantly deny my pleas

I would want to feel

All that has been felt

By every gender that you have made

Let me feel complete

Let me feel your Maya of creation

bush fires

Run steed

Like the wind

Let the fire burning your mane burn the souls

Of what we have done

How we have tortured and tormented the world

But your run at best is futile

The human race has gone vile

Wretched and twisted

Lost and distraught

Greed and malice

Jealousy and depravity have sprung forth

You shall just burn and die

Those who caused the fire won't care

Some like me will cry for a moment

And then return to our indifference

Run steed

Die, just die

Take all your brethren with you

fade away sun.

It is morning

Some may even say a time to be awake

For some it is , for some like me

It is a hindrance

I long for the moonlit nights

For the moon has my unfaltering attention

And should it not?

The moon has lead many to lunacy

In those gentle waves by the sea

The sun may at best seem like a receding moron

Spreading light and casting shadows

Carving greys into the the black and white

It is not for me

Come forth night

I am at comfort

For the soul can be at home

In its element

Of dark allure

Alone but never lonely

team kill

She whizzed past

From her smoke screen

In a hurry

As if to avoid my touch

As she went she unleashed a swarm of torpedos

They gently hit my broadside

Aah , her touch 

So gentle yet strong

She let the sea drown me

She was my own Storozhevoi

She swept past

As my aft guns were turning

She got me good

And I watched her wreak havock

Amongst the seas

Purity

There are no demons

Other than in tablets and scripture

If at all there is

It is the one that has written it as so

In the hearts of humans 

Lies dormant, darkness

In the dogmas, they paint pretty pictures

Of morals and deeds of saintly nature

Yet the soul knows

What it has spun, in its momentary lapses

Of vile and putrid filth

That always lashes it's shores

Yet, the audacity to call another evil

When their own existence is nothing less

There is no lesser in this

Only purity

A pure in such is a better soul

Than an impure at this impurity

Both, are human, both its breeding

And as it unleashes in fragments

Of sterling egos, staunch beliefs 

It is all but easy to see

For the unhastened mind

For it always stops to hear

The evil a heart harbours

Straws

I left it behind
It was the hat we made of straws
Whilst in the mountains, roaming as free birds
In love, so-called, if it does deem being named
It had no purpose
Not anymore
For it was gone, it was lost, or maybe just forgotten
Would you ever remember, as I did?
How many straws did each need?
I would, I had it drawn, meticulously
It was over-engineered,
I had to compensate for the gusty wind
So that your eyes wouldn’t water
You wore your contacts
Those were at best an invitation to discomfort
In the cold wind,
Around the smoky fire, atop the mountain
I would have hated to see your eyes being watery
Here we are, at a passing
You at your side of an opinion
Me at none
I never did have one to condone or comfort
And yet we fought
At times over my lack of bias.
You asked me then, why I burnt the hat while leaving
I had smiled and said
Maybe the ash will scatter amongst the wind
Remind me of you, should you ever vanish.

At the edge of waking

Another drink?

Maybe it will help to melt the ice wall

Holding your fires of wanting to be loved

As it would mine

Or let us pretend this tea is just as good

As we uncork a wine of conversation

Pour me some

I will pour you some

Let us sit with , back to each other 

Leaning , as I let you feel you can lean on

As I lean over yours between talks

And at some point we may just lie down beside

Look each other

Talk of being separated by a thousand miles or more

Yet, of knowing 

Of feeling today

Let me feel your hair on my face

As your lips touch mine, not in a kiss

But just to touch them

As our breath meet

Let me kiss, hold your face in my hand

Feel me melt, as you melt into me

As the morning arrives

You shall be gone, at such let me count

The creases ony bed sheet

Wrap them around me again

Feel you holding me again

hypochondria

Where but here, have I forever been

Broken, as I thought

Hurt, as I bought

Bound, held , imprisoned in such a palisade

Afraid, of wilt

Reluctant, to bloom

And the momentary lapses of reason

Whinging, reticent, in constant retrograde.

Lost, In all my thoughts

Locked, out of smiles

Retracted, out of bounds

Whispering, confused, stuck in haze

When her water broke

She pushed me out

Held my hand, held me close

I recollected such an occurrence, again

This was time

Mothering me, dragging me out

Locking me outdoor, subjecting me to life

Breathing, into me, onto my face, Waking me stark.

A Sparrow's chirp

Sharp yet gentle

A generic bird

To warm my heart

And then fly away

Then to return next morning

Like an endless loop of ecstacy 

Waking up my passions

 warm my blood

Awaken the human

I miss days I held you

I miss the days waiting to

They never fade

They are me

Chase your mythical rabbits

Run amok until you tire and lament

When so, run right back

To me

For you never left

You need not ring the doorbell

Walk right in

Holler for a coffee

I will make one for you

Teach you to make one for yourself too

And you will say it's pointless

When you dance to the loud music 

Trying to bury my presence 

Numb it

Remember, the music will stop

At some point

Yet I would not

I will wave my hands

Gesture as one calls a child

Run to me, I will hold you

Make you feel comforted.

Know

Fly

Stay steadfast

Godspeed

She painted the skies 

Made my clouds fluffy

Held me to the edge of my seat

Sang to me the song of the wind

As she built these beautiful worlds

She asked I only keep her running

She just ran 

And now she ran out of breath

She is cold forever now

In a place where she needs no breath

Where her music won't be heard

And the way she held my view

Spanning 3 monitors

Beautifully

Gently

She is gone

My 290x

Across the Arabian Sea

The kasav has creased 

From her wait at the door step

She sits haunched 

Looking to the road

Minnie needs a new phone

Sanju wants a bicycle

Both are the hours that is added to Babu's clock

He had to be home

The sandy shores and desert dunes had become boring 

Yet he will clock those hours

Meera will watch her tiny wrist watch

But sit at the door step

Awaiting Babu's return

She stares into the horizon 

Babu is staring too

She is at 2:30 in the afternoon

For Babu it is 1:00

The sea winds may carry their sighs

Of missing, and hoping

To hold each other 

Soon, maybe soon

Reviews and rewrite

Why does one express in poetry

Only to dilute it

Is it like using toiletries

Scrub clean and smell good

Where is the need to deck coming from

I know of not such a need

Brazen and only to be read and misunderstood

Or understand, I care for neither

This is not my memoir or obituary

Written on parchment paper

For I am no king nor leader

I woke today, knowing full well

That I cannot predict

Only to hope for strength, to tread on

Where my heart deems fit to fly towards

I express as such

I express for such

For all else you can seek otherwise

The roof rumbled

As if to be ripped apart

While I sat, watching the trees sway mad, being uprooted

Smashed through my french windows

I sat still

Knowing it would pass through

As it grew calm

I stepped out

All around me was a wall of fury

Nature's

Mixing everything with the wind

In the eye, as I stood

I felt at home

The storm agreed, so I walked along as It went along

Paving its way

In destruction

Yet, as I held my beer bottle

It didn't bother me

Till it just faded to a gust

And subsided

I looked back

A few miles from home

I smiled

I had walked through a storm

And even it let me be.

crossing the Gobi

In the jittery rays

Of the passing light

Shadows 

Most of the unforgiving landscape

Yet now are so serene 

It is but a paradox

Waterless and parched

Would I love on to see another dawn?

Or does it mean the setting would be my last

Either ways

The lights are pretty

So is the sky

Painting my face in overlaps

Of distant dried cactus and dunes

In a pleasant wake

Of today's ending

Crossing along the Gobi.

What I seek

What more should I bring,
Offer you or showcase
In this lifetime, I seek no validitation
Nor do I need yours.
The drama and saga
Epic moments, so called
Are nothing but subtle subterfuge
Of a fleeting life.
Anxious as one may see
Anxiety is just a passé
And all that is left is Avarice
In a long wait of endings.

Yet your pestilence is forever present
I do not resent, nor disdain
For you have nothing but dreams
Of a false grandeur called life
That which you call life.
If ignored largely, in your wake
For you seek others to validate you
I seek none, I seek no one
And when the end is near
I shall not be entangled or strained.
For I can be at ease
Pass into oblivion, as lived , so dead.

Rite of passage

"I am hungry and tired,
I have spent years and years
Battered and in transit
There seems to be no end to my journey"
Said dad to the gatekeeper
Why should I be in such a state
Where I have no body left to feel pain
Why cannot I be like the other souls
Pass through from this purgatory
He repeated.

You shall be here
For you have not been forgiven
And as such you have been given no food
The ones who are let go
Without forgiveness , forever roam here
Until they are forgiven
And prayed for, by those that let you go
Said the Yamadoot

He waited and waited
For 28 years
Until his offspring could forgive
And as such at the ghat of Bharatapuzha
They assembled for his final rite of passage
Prayers and offerings,
Of sesame and rice, Oil and curd
Sandalwood , tulasi and flowers
Offered him his release, seeking his blessings
Yet the crows wouldn't eat

All that remained were dips in the river
And his son
Letting go of his bitterness and grudge
Thanked him for his existence
And let him go , for it was his epiphany
For though the son a preacher of forgiveness
Had finally learnt to forgive truly
The crows swept in
The pooja now complete
He had let his father finally pass on

May his soul finally find peace
And in so, may he be reborn
And this time maybe he may shine
Like stars in the sky
Bright and beautiful.

Friends of misfit

Glass, glass, my dear glass
What do you see
Is it the moron or the morose
When you feed me an elixir to numb
Do you think of yourself as high and mighty
In such numbness
I see you for your real truth
Nothing but an evil scheming demon
Binding me to enslavement
The very most seek to escape
To me you are the worst
Yet us demons need to meet often
For the others won't let either of us be
They see no meaning of us
Not when kind
Neither when nice
To them we are just demons
And we shall always be so
Neither of us want to hurt someday
But even those days we are outcasts
Tell me my dear dear glass
Is that why you too meet me?
Since we are like we are two peas
In a pod of a beanstalk
Called the world.

Reach

Another day has gone by
And it is as empty as the previous
Where has the thirst of wanting to wake
Of wanting to make or break
Of wanting to breathe gone?

Is it in a lampooned dream
Of wanting to soar the seas
Or fly across the face of the earth
Watching the blue and green splash
As they erode rocks
Make continents move?

Has the mind that was intrepid
Given way to be distilled into nothingness
Or has the purpose of the said main
Been burnt to cinders in the fire
Of your heart that glows
with hatred for me
Or the beautiful indifference you reek
for me
For my soul and my very presence

If so then we are at peace
For then we have reached,
I sought this
And you wanted to do so to one soul
It is done, done without remorse
Just as I raised you to be
Armed you with the very shiny glass
That now are through my soul
Breathe, you are finally free
We both have found what we wanted.
Stay blessed, stay beautiful.

The Lighthouse

It has been a beautiful sea
the ships has sailed past safe
I find no more light within
To shine through the amber glass
No oil in the lamps remain
That has kept the ships in cautious sight
As the navigators passed on by
Blessing me with kisses of gratitude
Post the years on this rocky shelf
Lashed upon at times by the mighty sea
Angry due to the stormy winds
Yet she would often bring me
Fleets of dolphins
Flocks of seagulls
Often to hide me in her ocean mist
Yet she would let my light shine through
As I sign off my duties now
This light house takes a bow
Like all unions, this too must pass
I shall live in the memories of whence .

Bleach and peroxide

She wants her hair blonde
She screams
The whites don't deem to justify her youth
Though she is midlife
Maybe it is her crisis
She asks her companion
If her age shows
And he just laughs it off
As she douses her hair in peroxide
Now the age is no longer visible
She thinks
As she smiles at the mirror
Her face seems a bit dark
She coats it with bleach
Washing it off she smiles
She is a few shades brighter
Not the demon of her insecurity
But her eyes at the very least say so
As she finally ages
Passing into her 50s
She sees her self
Always trying to avoid her real self
As her daughter calls her beautiful
Today without her make up and fakery
She see her true face
Accepting she exhales
Whispers loving words to her little girl
And ponders in the truth
if the other women will ever learn
Beyond loving the self what else is?
Nothing but bleach and peroxide.

Views and vistas

"Be my undoing"
She screamed, raising her fruit of the womb
As she held it high,
She cursed her choice
To have let this come
As eyebrows raised
Of instagram mothers
And arm chair activists
Shallow, always begging for attention
They cursed her words
They hardly knew her
Yet they took it upon themselves
To be judge and jury
Unlike her, they don't know hunger
Unlike her, they have never spent a night
Drenched, in misery, without a roof
As she leaned over the cliff
Holding the new born
She let herself to the mercy of the rocks
The rocks now stained red
Bear witness to her own reasons
The others are busy influencing
Living their life
In shallow existence.

What is this mind I possess
A catacomb of weirdness
In boredom I care for the world
In adversity I thrive
A can of paint
A can do mind
Yet only doing so when boredom strikes
Adversity just makes me laugh and feel joy
A sadist? Maybe
But definitely not so in my POV
I wouldn't care
If the world burnt
Unless I was bored
Hence wanted to try caring .

The bomb

Surrounded by shreds
And mixed in darkness, drowned in black powder
I am entombed
At the gentle tug,
I await to speak
Reach and touch everyone
Merge with them as they encase me
In their flesh and blood
I do not wish to do so
Yet I am to, at a moments notice
When I am called for
And against my will
I shall
My raging fire shall light up around me
And I shall wail loud
Deafening those that are around
Some shall crawl away from me
Others shall be with me
As I cease to exist
Would they wave to me on that final journey as we all walk along

The design

Where do I build my server sire
Asked the technician to the architect.
The architect replied sheepishly, where would you
Where does the instruction say
The technician pondered a bit
Hesitantly replied, this one is not listed anywhere
The architect was calm and gently smiled
Bring forth your demand, I shall guide
As he sat in his high chair, king like.
This has no meaning, there is no sense
Who qualified this, this is not what I had prescribed
The architect stomping his foot in rage exclaimed.
Who was the one that mutilated my design
Who dared massacre it.
The sales person gently winked
It was I, for I see no need for your generous provisions
I see that we should size it down
At this the architect and technician stared
Into the cold dark eyes of the head of sales
As a smile emerged from the architect and technician
The managers felt an oncoming rage
The room was torn asunder, the walls cracked
The chair were scattered and tables upturned
The architect and technician walked out
In bloody foot steps
As the corpses of the sales painted the floor red

Morbid

Her lips moved
Its past midnight
In the moonlight her face looks pretty
Her lips moved
How could it?
She has been still for 3 days
Her face is still, her eyes closed
Aah!, maggots
Go away, go away
She is not your feast
She is my love

Here I am
In a construct
Of words and here say
Or a caricature
Either of it irrelevant
Yet a stranger
Maybe she thinks
It could be a whirlwind of annoyance
Or otherwise
Yet she is caught up
In her stream of thoughts
Thoughts that are her own to think
That are her to ponder on
I just ramble incessantly
Like a calf grazing
Amongst the fresh grass
Inconsequential
Irrelevant

If adrift

If I drift into you
Let me not pull you
Away, or towards
For you are where you are
I am, where I need to be
I could be a raging fire
Or an icy wind
But I am where I have been pulled at
Maybe you think you know
Maybe you won't
I shall be
Where I am
Irrelevant, insignificant
But it is a journey
I will always turn and smile
Even if my sould wishes to stay, I couldn't
For the universe is but a tide
That sweeps me away
To it's bidding
But as long as I am here
I shall bask
In your glow and be mystified
In her gentle glow
And words that sing
She may not hear them so
She doesn't need to
For all of it is just time

Journey to the stars

I could be flung
off the face of the earth
and never reach the ground
only to drift
into the dark space
I shall have no remorse
for I have not felt the need
and when I have,
it never did matter
not to anyone
not to me
and I see the sky is so full of stars*
and I like drift wood
is floating that sea

Divine intervention
Who needs much
When the deities
Annapurna and Nidra
Bestow their gentle touch
Into my soul
What more do I seek
Not love
Not consequence
Not bonds
Not belonging
I seek nothing , for sans these two
There is nothing
One feeds my stomach
The other my tired mind
And all I seek is to reach the end
Of a cycle that began in my cradle
Only to end at my grave
And then Nidra will absorb me into her
A permanence
Grand
Unfathomable beauty

Me

Often than not, one sees verses
Parading as poetry, yet speak of a life
As such I often sing about my own
For I need not be sung for

These 39 years that I have seen the sun rise,
Set, blare, blaze, soothe and warm
I have often wondered what life is about
And once you touch the nearing 40s
Life wakes you up
For journeys forlorn

Yet I shall travel, sit beside the window
Let the scenery, scary or serene
Burn into my eyes and soul
And at journey's end , dust my clothes
Begin anew

For I am of relentless restlessness
Always wanting to be idle or toiling
Mediocrity is just an impasse
Mediocre is not my storm

The stars, brush strokes, engines and science
Et all makes my life engaged
The politics, the silly drama and slapstick humor
Enrages

I may live each day, live a few hundred more
Only to end in a streak of fluff
Like a shooting star
I am not afraid of the end, I am ready

So before I fade into such, I yearn
I seek
   To see the ends of the earth,
    The edge of the universe
I seek to capture the moon light reflecting
As I capture people and dances
Fruits and droplets of dew
And scribble my thoughts into verse or tweets

Wake me
Not today, or tomorrow
Now or later
For you are the one that seems to need sleep
Wake me not for your platitudes
Of insomnia and melancholy
I rather be at rest
Like an object at rest
Remaining so
Aah , Newton's law of inertia
As the world can go and fuck itself over
I cannot be expected to play along
Here in my sleep
I am with me
My peace, your absence
Sans your existence
Away from your questions and beliefs
I exist, only if you let me be
Else,
I will awaken
Tred across the mountains
Walk over the valleys
Beyond the last civilization
And curl back to sleep
For me, I am
Not for anyone else .

The mind feels like it caved in
For I can sense things awry
Somewhere your skin grazed against not mine
And it just feels like a choke
In being alloyed with your existance
I will feel these each instance
And it will only displace my coherence
Bring me into an unsettling
You may not feel the same
If I had caressed another
Let alone kissed her gentle lips
And all that is just a permeance
As I live along
In the state of a cynic
Expecting nothing , and resonating so
For we are each separate
Yet bound, in a fabric of time and space
In a quantum entanglement of sorts.

In hues of blue, gentle
As you and me swirl
We the remanent of a glorious star
That once lit all around it
And then as it passed its journey
Painted the surroundings in hues we are now
You and I
Forming worlds of our own
Each distant
Further as the galaxies speed away
We neither want to be away
Nor can we be creating worlds of ours
You have yours
I didn't create mine
I chose to be sprinkled
Scattered, remain as a sprinkle
In the darkness of space
Sometimes drawn
Sometimes let go
But always scattered
Always

The Garage, an affair, A love story

Late night in his garage,
Alex sat eating beans and pork,
This car is still not fixed
The roof doesn't open, said a voice
Alex turned around, let a spanner loose
In the dim lit garage, the spanner flew
Tumbling and spinning
Like a humming bird free and careless
Flying in circles
It landed on her left temple
Bounced
Hit the windshield and then dragged itself down
Over the hood, scraping it and itself mildly
Alex stood there in horror.
Now I have to buff the scratch on that wrench again
An angry anxious voice was heard
"Alex, you better not be tossing your wrenches around carelessly"
Alex rushed,
Pushed the car out of his garage, ignoring the body knocked unconscious
It rolled down the slope
He found his wrench,
Picking it up, he smiled.
It looked well, he heaved a sigh of relief
Alex loves his wrenches

The morning came after,
Down the slope
A policeman was pondering
At a car, crashed into a tree
Was this a murder, was it a robbery
Unclear, he walked uphill , to Alex's
"Hey Alex, you know anything about that dead body down the road?" he enquired.
Alex turned around, let a spanner loose
In the morning light, the spanner shone like silver
It flew tumbling and spinning
Like a innocent child, free and careless
Turning in circles
It landed on his right temple
Alex stood there in horror.
Did is scratch that wrench again? He wondered; walking hastily to its landing.
He pushed aside the now dead man,
Retrieved his wrench
The body rolled by , down the hill
Near the crashed car
An angry anxious voice was heard again
"Alex, you better not be tossing your wrenches around carelessly"

The noon arrived,
There were two town folk at the scene
They both looked at the car and the slain
Pondered what had happened.
They walked up the slope to Alex's  garage and called out
"Hey Alex, there are 2 dead people down the slope"
Alex turned around, let 2 spanners loose
In the noon sun, the spanner beamed , reflected the sun
It flew like galloping horses
In unison, a matched derby of sorts
Without a jockey
It landed on their temples
Alex stood there in horror.
Did I scratch those wrenches again? He wondered; walking hastily to their landing.
"Alex, you better not be tossing your wrenches around carelessly"
Said a body, stuck in an unkept car
Almost decomposing
Alex yelled back at her
"Shut up Joan, I love my wrenches, I take good care of them"

So be fine
For then winter sun rises late
bathes all of us in the warmest hues
It melts my soul
Makes me breathe
Realize I am alive again
Whilst I do ponder briefly on it
The nuances of its humility are evident
I have to swim along
The tides this universe has cast
The swell and the dip
Both seem to assimilate me
It is neither a shock or a lament
Of all if I am anything , it is in a trance
Intrepid and oblivious to the next
Like a smear of oil, scattering the colours
In a puddle of muddy water
Gently melt by the morning sun
In tiny rills,
I too traverse along the infinite vast
Into a direction best unknown to me and all
Stilled, devoid of feeling, a chance of skill
Not will
Unlike the puddle , that is gentle
Drift, adrift, gently amongst the torrid waves.

This is a mad December
The icy pins, on my bare face
As I roam, like a mad man
In my own trance
For you are not here to annoy
Not be daft and silly
It is only a few days
But it feels like a prison
Of freedom that seems irrelevant
For I roam free as you loom and lurk
Crib and throw a fit
Of wanting to be stuck to me
And I always ask .. like glued together?
Then again, my mind is
To yours.

Retrieve

This is not an expression
For I seek no acceptance of said such
For I write to see what I feel
Like a mathematician on a quest
Like a child that looks at the dying carcass 
Of a goldfish that fell out of the bowl
I see no joy or sadness there
But a zest for understanding the inner self
Could be egocentric, yet in my eccentricity
I am always digging
Over and over
Only to conclude
What I have always seen and realized
Sometimes I write to persuade my self
Most times
I write to exhume.

Divine unfunny

Read between the lines
Overtly shadowing, harrowing
Misleading with beauty of those pines
This is only a fraudulent attempt
Of a comedy, et all
Unlike Dante's
This is mine
Here there is no hell
No purgatory
Not a judgement of who you were
It is but a fragment of choosing
Your choices
And then when and if you shall choose to see
Reach out and ask
I will only guide
But on this journey
Remember
We both are alike
None superior
None lesser
We both as mere mortals
Afloat
As the universe floats us to the ends
Of it's mind
Unknown to either

Sunny days

On some random day
Where the sun dries those sliced tomatoes
Sprinkled with salt brine
I smell them
They feel beautiful
For they hold a promise
Of being dry
In frost
I can cook them in my pot
As they add flavour
Once so gentle
Yet so brilliant
Those sundried tomatoes
Slices
Slices in my pasta.

"This is but one of the many" said her voice
A place that holds down what should be
Amongst its lush greens, subterranean spaces
Are long lost, forgotten relics
Of a past that you are the culmination of
You are the bearer of the mantle it seems
Or we could engage
Into a prattle of how your fragility is
how pervious your likes are
For I have long known you
Lady luck was always in your favor
You have become the sum of your actions
Amongst the hunters and the arbiters
The grunts and the overwhelming oddities
"I will still wish to win"
As she faded before me , she remarked
You went searching for me when I was lost
And you never answered the question i had
who was the machine ,  you or I
When you took this girl on a ride
Now I am searching for you
Only to coax you to be beside
And you just defy, is this love ?
Or is it our end?

And what have I brought forth
What have I brought to the table
Of your life or mine
Only shattered shards of glass
And what we seem to do is only bleed of that
At that my question is why was it me
That is your run to ruin
Why the instance of the universe
In your case didn't deflect me
To be shunned into the darkness of the universe
Like matter that forms the ejecta
Set forth onto an endless trail
How I wish you are entangled to a sun
Your own
And I see your shadow
Darken my path, as I drift away .

Disconnected

What persuades a mind to seek
In this rancid futility of unpredictable life
I am happy I see another morning,
I see no reason to ties
Yet these around me seek
Try to tie and entangle
And then whimper like a a bee with a lost wing and dying
I see no pleasure or peace in such
Maybe its delirium
Or maybe it is mortal
I may not be on the right plane, i believe
For this is only worthless and daft
A life is only fuller by itself
Devoid of stupid turbidity of inane
For they bring only boredom
They do not matter to me

You my dear are born in a realm
Of constant chaos
Unlike me who has the easy road
For you can watch your nerves flare up and glow
Mine just ease up and relax
Not for I dont want to excel, but for I seek not to
Yet here you are at another juncture
Of creating stories
Tales of win , tales of struggle
The essence of being human
I have forever felt like an entity that controls outcomes
Like a divinity
Yet all I have is nothing
A vast emptiness
Yet never sad, never happy
You have the chance to be either
That I will always be jealous of

Severe the disjointed

In search of the perfect knife
A blade that would shimmer in the moonlight
Sharp enough to cut it too
And split each ray into a sparkle
That I would prefer to cut the ties of my ego
That has for long kept me alive
A ego that is defiant
Disjoint, and indifferent
That seeks to only keep my mind at peace
I am bored of peace
I want this mind to run amok
Be ravaged by the silly insecurities life seems to offer
To other souls around me
For then I wouldn't cringe at their absurdity
And then I may feel less out of place
Yet again
Would I still stay amongst these that spawn idiocy so profound
I may not
But then I would look at the shiny blade and smile
And accolade its failure
To bring obscurity to my mind.

Those Beautiful Pyramids

What else but a samosa
To warm a mind that is in a land of sands and the Mecca
He yearns for the gentle waft
The smell the way it makes his mouth water
A roadside vendor at Mumbai
Will always far outdo when one is presented
With a so called Arabian Samosa
He craves for the Mumbaiya
But his wait is at best long, not longer though
For he would return in a matter of months
Some have never tasted either
Neither the original nor the so called
Only those who have and then haven't for a while
Can truly know
The way it makes one heart glow

A search of knives

Find me a date she said
One that compels me to run into his arms
Yet know, he of all things must care, consider and calm his head
Find me a lover like that
One who could brush away my hair
As you would
And stare gently at the curves of my smile
Tell me in a million words each day
How I make his life worthwhile
When I have a mind that blazes in anger
He holds me closer and makes me calm
Find me one like that
Let him converse to me in countless words
Of his day, his night his nightmares and dreams
Tell me he sees me in them all and more
Yet let him leave me be, should I seek absolute solace on terrible days
When I trip and fall, let his heart tumble
Panic yet maintain his balance and help me up
Find me this man
This is your task
Let him see me in all, let him know my scent like a wolf
Let him be overcome by hunger tenfold
Than mere mortals I have know all along
For you while are all that and some
You cannot be allowed in my world
Find that man for me
Find him

You can fly now

As you have often hurt
Let this knife remain
For this once let me bleed
Litter my kitchen floor with rubies
Of my glistening bleed
While your mind stitches itself back to reality
Let mine fade
For as I stagger towards my living room
I can paint the walls with these deep red palm prints
And then when it dries up
You can think of the choices you made
For then you no longer have me
Hounding you, knocking on your door
For being loved
This may be the final act
Where I have to exit
So that you may learn
That I exist as nothing
As you find greener pastures.

Gently as a breeze
Her face brushes mine 
As she looks to me while she rises and falls
In a union of flesh and desires
She a hungry soul
Unaware of what a gentle caress is
And I hungry as a wolf smelling her desires
She holds on to me as she lets her hair down
As it brushes my face she exhales
And then her lips come closer to mine
Meet mine, brushing along
Making the moment melt into chaos
Yet an order of mortal summon
She a being of gentleness and cravings
I a being akin to a singularity
As her soul feeds mine
She asks
"Could this be love'
I hold her gentle face , running my hands over her tracing her hair, speak
This could be better
This could be our hunger meeting midway

I would fly by often
At night, often rest
At the tree beside her stone block home
As the moonlight traced her house
Rendering a bokeh of the mountain side
It was past nine, that she would arrive
In the night, sipping her whiskey
Onto the porch and sit in the wooden recliner
Beside an empty one
Sing old numbers, in a gentle mellow voice
The windows of her home
Lit by a warm stove's light
It was flicker and splash
Of yellows and orange hues
On her wood laquer walls
Past eleven she would walk
Vanish through the string curtains
Some nights, on weekends
She would sleep beneath the stars
And all I would do is hope the mornings
Took the furthest time to arrive

Who cares for your tangerine mindedness
Whilst my world is a pulp of random fruits
Where shall i draw a line
Shall it be
between the peel.or the seed
Neither of those sing
For neither weave a fancy
At least to me
Whilst your orangish metaphors lament
I only see a wail
Constant
And unending
Is that such a chaos that you cannot comprehend
For it is but a whack on a poet as you
you are not in such mediocrity
To write better
For me to yearn for
To read those poems
In absolute chaos and eternity

An invite for the moon haters

Around six we are watching the sailboats
Afloat on the gently glowing sea
Where the moon will make an appearance
To try and appear as a fake romantic

We do provide stones
But then a fair intelligent advise
The moon is a fool like most humans
Fake and all
No fire and just a mirror

A million billion souls have sung and composed
Or composed and sung
Yet the stars are so much sweeter
On moonless nights
They sing in gentle hymns
Of the sparkles of life and bearing

The follower, slave, oh sorry; i mean the moon
Its sole existence , given life by the sun
And all it has to show is
Of being a placeholder of all that is of a loser

Beware the poets
As you all gather forth
To witness this evenings subtle enchantment
The sun will glow, gleam on you and the sea equally
While the moon will just waste your while

A reply to an invite to witness the moon

How I would like to attend such

Yet only to be distracted as this is what the try seems

For as the apathy of the moon light this is so

Only but a non lucrative

The salads and music

The song and dance

In the apartheid format of stupidity amongst lovers

Split by materialistic essences

More like an invite to a maul

The soul that reeks of hatred to the utter distraught of the stupid rock

That steals the sunlight to speak of its existence

It is like humans

Torrid and fake

Only to bring failure and fakery

Wane and wax

The moon has often seemed alive
Pity i for one cares not
For it may just be sojourn place
Where the minds of lovers meet
A place of unspeakable suffering
Such is the plight of disjoint lovers on moonlit nights
Often the light seems to strike pain
Often fear
And if you speak of beaches and a silvery sea
Know the moon may at best be a taunt
Towards the hearts of the million that are dead
And millions that live
The music it reeks is at best of a funeral band
For that is what it has seen to
When the veil of human foolishness is lifted
We feel only loneliness thereof
At best the moon is really
Is a stark metaphor
Of being the false hope
Like the catalyst that spews love
And then burns the hearts
Making them wilt

Gambling

In the not so distant past
There was another that like I
Both were entwined
Until the wither
The wither of life
For as seasons, our togetherness and the sense thereof
Changes
For a bit, then for another
Yet forever
The felt and the feeling
Often shuffles
Yet all in the same deck at the fold
Like printed kings , queens and the prince
Such is all
And I am just another dealer
Never the gambler
I see them win or lose
I refuse to either
I sit and deal
As life passes on
Until the casino of life closes

What will I find there?
Asked the husky voiced megalomaniac of a girl
What is out there ?
I looked back
A beautiful lady stood there 8 years from now
And said
You will, what you will
And what of you
Don't you seek?
She persisted
I smiled at her and waved into the hall
I found these
I sought these
So all good here.

DJ Mumbai

I hang by
beside cafe Mondegar
A touch away from Regal
One a place of friendship
The other too
It's noon,
The alley is loud
The crinkle of foil of the sandwichwala
The clunk of bracelets
The shimmer of anklets
The gleam of first copy glasses
Lovers glancing at each other
On their way
Stopping by the shops
For a bargain
Then there are those
Rushing
Right turn from here
A little ahead is Alps
Limited seating
A college canteenish minimalistic place
Behind the Taj and near the Sea
I am just trying to look calm
Smoking a cigarette,
Worried of a maama
Who are known to appear randomly
The traffic is scant today
Says one
Yes, only a few hundred cars every minute
Yes
Then i think maybe its 120
Each is a pulse
That synchs with the heart
Like a DJ spinning tracks
This DJ is a her
Mumbai, DJ Mumbai

Kerala

Where is your hair that brushes my face
In the gentle wind of a celing fan in the sunlit room
It spoils my sleep, tickles my face
Only to wake me up and make me watch you
As I am curled around you
Like a pepper vine on a coconut trunk
Maybe it is like Kerala
Where the heart is still
And you are stirring my soul
Floating into the ends of the universe
Timelessly .

A prayer of love

Tow me towards the harbour of faith
Can you my love
While the seas of my soul churn in dark waves
Incessant storms, crashing waves and eriee wails
They have pushed me away from the port,
I have no compass nor a map
Would you be the tiny tug boat
Drag me to dock
The waves lash furiously on my deck
I though seemingly a mighty freighter
Cannons and arrows abound
Have had no lessons in fear
Thus I am scared
These waters are like the soot of a dying flame
They mock me and crackle in devilish laughs
Yet if you tow me , as fearless as you are
You shall find me stopping your drift
As you fight through the foam and churn
I shall stand unstirred , with your lead
Tow me towards the harbour of faith
I want to watch you watch me dry my deck
Then set sail along
Into the beautiful orange hues
To the place where the sea merges with the sky.

Visions

Wherefore have I walked to
Sure is the end of the world
Or so it seems to be
For it is devoid
Of all I can even relate to
The human in me has died
Your embrace today was a resurrection
Yet your going was nothing short of a murder
By my own hands
Nothing by you
I as have always followed the universe
Let it yank me into existence
Bury me into oblivion
Yet feeding me life that seems nothing but auxiliary
And then I see your face in my eyes
Always there yet not mine
And I have no way to hold it back
If this is my torment so be it
For it does show me your presence randomly
Resurrecting me, killing me
in an endless cycle of pain and peace
I live for those glimpses
I exist for the torment .

Somedays it is just easy
Somedays things just cut loose
Other days it is nothing but a struggle
Pain follows the latter two
Like love
When easy , glazes the eyes
When rampant the heart is afraid
When restrained the heart begs
All I know is such is life
Like a bowel movement
Somedays easy
Other days not
Thank heavens for restrooms .

Stardust

And between you or me
Is it all not but stardust
Yet so distinct
Our selves so apart
Maybe to long for each other
In this separate existence
Hoping to be crushed to dust
To spawn a new star.

Wanderer

A fools such as me
Has wandered amongst the fields
Sat beneath the stars to endless nights
Sleep often overcame my arrogance
And yet what has found
The body was a shell that gazed
Traversed the mighty mountains and rivers
Only to recede back towards you
And then I saw you
Holding my soul
In your arms, keeping it warm
Awaiting my return
This shell
Only to now be embibed
With a soul you have found
Before me, of mine
Yet you believe I can compliment you

Until it has you

What is this 'you' love?
Nothing that I knew of?
My Worthless and unwarranted mind
Feels lost
For it tries to make sense
Where nothing like sense can
In Love
I beg to it let go
To flow into the stillness
Of calm that it has you
Until it has.

A call to Rumi

Love is but a gift
The one who brings it to your door
Forever can choose to absolve
But you the bearer can only accept or refuse
For if strength is to say
Stronger is to gift .

Valve

In my own mind
Where you or me cease
to exist as each
Let it no longer remain
Let my own will tear
such an abhorrence
Of wilfull wanton cravings asunder
Set it alight,
warming my cold heart
Let me be the antagonist
And antagonize you no further
For this is my Ravenholm
And this Halflife has no episodes
Only headcrabs and zombies
For the Gordon Freeman in me
To murder to survive.

Ref: halflife 2.
By valve studios

It is but a prayer my soul
Let me curl and sleep
As i bleed from the soul
Worthless and unwanted
Let me be, please let me be
You have enacted all you want
And as souls go, you feel nothing
Yet I have to live your outcomes
Be tormented and subjected to depravity
So while you relish and feast on your joys
Let me gather my wits and strength
For you to destroy it over again
Please allow me to withstand your hatred
For you hate me, and I cannot exist sans you
Yet you and me are distinct
You are of fun and momentary distractions
And I am of gluttony for punishment
Let me sleep tonight

Fallout

So "au revoir" my personal Chernobyl
Whilst I await the corium to burn through
Leach into my soul
As it poisons my life blood
Only one such as me could have let this come abound
Let it all out and some more
To tattoo you into my mind
A flash burn , of your image
Through my castle walls
In the metallic after taste
Where the walls of my heart
Burnt like graphite, glowing redder than blood
Fell back
Into the love and feelings
And worst mix with my fears and my own insecurity
Between the preplexes of knowing and not
Wanting and avoidance
Only to weave a cloud of dust
Cesium and all
Into a forest of deathly echoes
To be in torment
For tormenting you

Let me smell your hair
The gentle smell of your perfume
As you sweat
The salty gentle allure of your skin
Making my wild self tame
Like a wandering wolf in winter
Thirsty
Let it be quenched by your brow
As my hands feel your skin
I fear they may engulf me in flames
Of passion, mad wild fire
Like your thoughts burn my soul
In love and lust
And as you kiss
Let me dissolve
Into nothingness as you remake me
In the image of your darkest desires

Broken dreams and shards of glass
It is but a painful path
Where I seem to walk again
But I should not says my mind
But the mind is as daft
For to wilt and weep
Is a life too
Better than to be so cold
To breathe out fog and gather frost
I choose not torment
I choose neither to be lost
Yet i just float
Away from hinges that hold me strong
Into the storm of her voice
That warns me to hold back
I am a fool , as fools go
I drift along this broken path
When and if my world burns
I shall have none to blame for my plight
It shall only be me
As my embers fly into the starry night

I don't want to fall in love
For you shall not
And as the one sided knife shall cut through
It would pause and slow down
Severing each of my nerve
Like a thorn deeply lodged in my throat
You shall only gnaw
While with each breath i will hurt
Wishing for it to be my last
But then you shall arrive at the 11th hour
Make me want to breathe
As it hurts, you will breathe into me
And I a fool shall only oblige
For the walls of my fortress
Are broken through
While you may gather you and leave
I shall be the the one
Walking bare feet on my broken heart
Bleeding yet never cursing
Maybe it is a chance
For the universe to punish me
For I never did swim along it's tide
Forever against
As the sun has its last laugh
I shall curl into my haunches
Wait for the tormenting  moon to fade
You may bring forth a gentle breeze
But that may only hurt my wounds
And the rubied blood all around
Shall reflect you to taunt me further

Let the fingers trace your flaming skin
And pull you closer
As i hear your warm breath
Let it melt my frozen soul
And as it melts, let me stare
Into the storm of your eyes
As you lean in
Let me touch , trace the edges of those lips
Watch you close your eyes
When your breath deepens
Let me breathe you
While i hold you to me ,
folding you into the soul
Let me taste your lips,
Draw them and caress each with both of mine
As my tongue
Searches for each groove and curve
Taste your tongue , embrace it with mine
Running my hands pulling you closer
As i run out of breath
As you breathe into me

Futility

Embers
That fly into the night sky
That is all that seems to be breathing
For neither I nor me want to glow bright
As often, it is again
It is a transendence
Yet more retrogressive
I won't fret
For you are a vanishing horizon
As I believed to be
There were no wars
Yet this is a bleed
As such the mind , forever a battlefield
For only the dead know the end of war
The living just seek to slay

To be but vexed

Spinning lies and flamboyance
It is but a calculated ignorance
I chose to be in, or be pulled towards
To only be vexed
In the abysmal fakery of such pathos
Somewhere inside I woke and slept
Watched a dream where I dreamt me asleep
It is then I knew my folly
Wilful, resentful
My depravity and my decadence
I unlike forever took a leap
One of faith , one of fate
And in this tarnished mud bowl of a body
I am stilled
Peace, as I always imagined
Had reached out to me
And touched my soul

Apologies

At a distance
Time is but a blur
In isolation it is but a foe, often a friend
In the self imposed prison of my mind
Time ceases to exist
At these crossroads I often speak to you
The words mean nothing
In this century it is white noise, earlier banter
Yet, I do
Senselessly , yet I do
While on the other side
You are
There is nothing that seems logical in this
Yet you try to make some sense of it
Of all those kind minutes you gave
Were laid to waste by this arrogance slave
It is but a facade, a charade, nothing else
And an apology needs to be made
So let me offer a bouquet of such
One for the platitudes
One for the hours
One for the missed morning sunlights
One for the the rupture of your routines
And so I step down from such transgressions
And fly back to my solemn self

If I am to be Ulysses
Let the sails be carried
For the strongest of the winds
They do not faze me
But i bow to them gently
For they shall carry me to the shore
I on this endless ocean of possible wrecks and landings
Am nothing but a dependent
On a call and a fair wish
Of one I wish to sail towards
So come at me winds
Be fierce
Be wild
Howl like you shall rip my soul off my body
I shall stand at the deck
Watch the sails dance
Knowing you would draw me ashore

Why does it feel
When your look into the lens
There is so much more
That your lips don't say
Yet I can feel your thoughts pinning me down
I can be an escapist
A mollusc an annelid
Yet I seek to not slide away nor slither
I stay to hear your soul
Foolish , maybe
Yet I believe
I am where I am needed
At this instance
Until I am not needed

How, one can only wonder
When, is a matter to ponder
When the day is at an end
And the night is at its onset
If to only wait
For even if a glimpse
Perchance
To see her smile with those eyes
And watch her lips spin magic
In such cravings
I wait for the days to pass
Hoping for a chance encounter
Wishing , only if would be sooner than now
But until the universe chooses
I shall have to stand by

It wasn't to you
That I had called out to
It was me,
unlike to you , I often speak to me
For I am all and mad
Yet I am my own company
No frills, no facade
No pleasing no sugary words
No flowers or candy
No chocolate nor brandy
I always see me waiting
To hold me and speak to me
With you, I have to be someone
With me I can be me
Of all the universe's best possibilities
I relish finding me

Reuse
Assimilate, reimage, reshape
A generation unto another
Assembling their dreams and thoughts
Into sons and daughters
Some good at it, many terrible
Only to be ash
And for the cycle to
Some unable, some not wanting to
Yet most still contribute
As a guide
A dictator
A leader
A companion
Like a parent
Parenting

Gumboots

Splash
Into the puddle
Little gumboots
Pink , bubblegum coloured
In a split second
Coated with asphalt and ruby red
Smeared across the fender
A strip of her pretty lace flutters in the wind
A moment of loudness
Followed by silence and screeches, burning brake pads
Reddened themselves as the pads grind the discs to a halt
Her mouth smells of booze
An all nighter of fun
Now as her soberiety kicks in
She picks up the bubblegum boots from the puddle
Reclining against the reddened tyres
Letting out a wail
Without a voice
While her shirt merges with the redness of the tyres
The same that runs deep
in her own veins too

Can we not cross this river? Asks the kid
Hold on tight,
in the moonlight, the other shore is not visible
Hop on my back son
Hold me as we swim
They swim into the river
As the splashes distort the gentle moon
They vanish midway
Morning appears
The river is as calm
Evening falls
The son asks again
Can we not cross the river father?
Hop on my back, hold tighter this time
They swim again
They vanish again
Morning appears
Then the evening falls
They say the father and son keep on trying
As they did those many years ago
Across this very river
Then a raging one, flooded in all its wrath
Since then the river has calmed
As if to let them pass
Yet they never can
For they never did
So every evening they try
Tonight again one can hear
Those words echo
Can we NOT cross this river father?
The wish was to not.
For the fear was too real
Both souls unknown of each others demise
Still try to negotiate

Susceptible to root rot
When one stands on grounds
Often of a bog
Where old dead often surface
Only to invoke curiosity
Yet you can just stand
Amongst the peat
And the slush and slime
Forever lost
Irrelevantly, for being new
A species of a tree hardly relevant
For I am just another
Like many before
Irrelevant , regardless
Undisturbed

You

Some days I miss you
For the air is still
Undisturbed by your vehement annoyances
Yet so welcome
Some days you drive me to the point of psychosis
Just by your impossible nature
Challenging me, burning and curdling my  blood
Yet those are the days I feel alive
In your absence the the blood freezes
My brain suffocates for a reprieve
Wanting to be disturbed
Wanting to breathe
Such is your presence my love
Unnerving, nerve wracking , yet one that livens
Towards an otherwise disconnected soul
You are my paradox
From my search for calm
Yet happily so
So eagerly as such
You make me believe I am alive
As I cuddle up to your sleepy form
I smell your hair
It is but my own childish form
My own soul , brought into being
By a universe that silently chuckles
Of having triumphed over my arrogance

Into stardust

Stand still
Look beyond your point of view
Are those stars as they seem
Some dead long ago
In this vastness all that they are is light
Once passed , only to be a darkness
Some where lost as I am
Like your love for me
That has basked me , only to have faded
For as the observer believes its existence
You wanted it to be
Yet knowing it was all but a passing
Though between you and me
Do either exist anymore
We are stardust , all of us
While you hold on to the admirable socialistic dogma
I have been scattered
As I should have been
Into what may someday be a burning ember of a star
But know that, if you must
I would burn just as bright
Like every other
Past the red shift
Past the collapse
Of the red dwarf
To be one with the universe
As its entropy ends in chaos
As it has now, in a chain of permanence
So shall your dogmas and conservative thought

Rustling leaves

In her yard
She rakes the leaves, sun dried, crispy, browned
It's summer
So she knows, from her yard covered by these
Yet she yearns for the spring
Which has passed
Often she stops, looks around to answer a calling
It's her name she hears
Yet unsure if it's her ears or years
Yet she does turn
I as always sit at the gate
Atop, in a hazy form , watching
As she turns around seeing no one
For the gone never call
Yet they may, but maybe they don't seem as audible, or at all
Maybe the heart has ears to a soul
Its dusk
The sun has reddened the skies
I sit regardless at the gate
Watch her go about her chores
Her wrinkly hands, putting things into place
And her beautiful greys
Flying in the evening wind
I would have floated along the breeze
Yet how impossible it is for a ghost to feel
So maybe the only solace is to sit
Watch her turn the lights out late night
Falling asleep .

Somedays are odd, leaving me hungry
Like all other days
When her kiss and touch is not just missed
It leaves a void, crushing and destructive
One may say it is painful to miss someone
I proclaim it is sacrilege
For this flesh longs to be touched
And this skin wants to so
Yet it has no choice but wait
While the wait, is but a futile attempt
Of self convincing
Of false belief
She so far feels left alone
Yet she like me longs
Between us, between the reason or rhyme
Neither less than stubborn
Yet succumb to what is
What should or may be
Her , as always unsure
Me the 'what may come'
Is but a predicament of this
Some days are lost some forgotten
Some spent in bickering and annoyances
Such is how it is
Yet at the end like a smoke filled room
A hookah bar

Nothing but those last embers
As it dies out
The cold waiting to engulf
And I am just as willing
To freeze my bones
See my soul cold as steel
Like my will to amidst such defeat
Willingly for lack of choices
Neither will budge
And I never had an option to
For Mine was never a placebo
Nor was if anything but clinical
Let my scattering be
I Know nor you or me are joyous
Yet I wish you were for it would have fueled mine
Yet regardless
Lets walk
Away, a perfect jigsaw that fit
Yet ripped apart
For reasons best kept to us
And a farewell from either and both
For it is fair
And just and needed

Sometimes warmer, most times calm
Somedays a raging storm
Such are the phases of my being
As colourful and mad as you
Yet in this chaotic ecstacy
You seem to have drifter away
I may not know by words nor by voice
But the heart seems so lost of you
Is this just absence
I have felt that before, that hurts
Is this your anger? it sort of hurts too, so I know
For this time neither of those feel like either
I just feel numb
A wretched broken pot
Of ordinary clay
That loves the wish of holding something again.

Endings and a frail wake

What could I express
For I , in all my drudgery and hurt
Have nothing but pain and apathy
A gift by your presence
Willful hurt and your presence just emasculates
All I have to show is a pretty song and a few words
Such is the plight of those I see
And their songs are like a Georgian chant
Echoing in the choir
Underneath frescos of love and bullshit
Faux Pas , yes so much so

How should one dream
When the dream is forever riddled with hurt
A curse , maybe; a gift! Who knows
None for me to ponder upon
For the barley and hops drench my soul
A dash of whisky, or a soulful ounce of vodka
Either helps
Numb, for you rather have me numb
Better numb than seething with rage
Of a hundred trespasses you relish
Wilful hurt, yes, wilful, couldn't be otherwise
Could it?

So is the song the loners sing
And as I join this disdain chorus, so innately inane
Yet as a fool's errand I tug
Knowing this like all else shall be dust
For these dreams I have are unspoken
They cannot be for your hurt are its precursor
Yet you often ask why I won't share
Did you introspect?
Yes did ye?

None as such shall corner me
For the ship has sailed forlorn
Launched by ye Helen,
Ye who hath launched a thousand such ships
This is not Troy, and there shalt be no horse
Wooden with sneak for I shalt just bide
My time and wait forth for the love to subside
It does, hasn't it for you?
It has has it not!

I wonder, yes I can
And you wouldn't care for you see none
For you are blinded by prejudice
Of broken bridges and shattered dreams
Like mine yours
Yet mine were not ulterior
They were yours
Let me dust this enclosure of clay
That holds my soul, for it is time to realize
I will be gone soon,
And all that remains shalt be
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Pointlessness
And all it is
Is but a yearn, in solitude
In journeys of solo, in moments of thought
Deep, pertinent, persistent
Yet just irrelevant at its actual frame
Where has the fabled magic gone
Where is the current celestial connection
As a dried out farmland, or a broken caboose
Yet pretty and picture perfect
Neither matters
For it could have
Why men rape, why wives annoy
Why me, why and what for
Yet these are not of the pondering
Yet are a facade of the want of lone
For a solo retains its beat
In an accompaniment it just recedes
Losing more than self
Wanting more than no less of the self
Yet in a transient permanence
Some random ramblings are a muse
Some are nothing or worse
Yet audible, detestable or otherwise
Who cares
A solo is as is
The sheer forces of influence
Are always a faux pas
Yet the role play
Is nothing less than of class
Be in, or go
Is all they seek
Yet a solo is just so sweet
No matches, no coping
No riveting no revolt
In its sole
Whole
Even more
A soloist can hear the music of his
Pure bliss
Yet unacceptable to most
As if there was a request to be accepted
I am, the longest of sentences
I will be the shortest
No dogmas, no doctrine
Only latent heat
And permanence of cold
A solo is just solid gold
Ask a question, or a million
Yet the answers are never
For I
For I
For I
Lie down, hear the gurgle of the stream flow
In an uninterrupted conversation
Like Sol, juno, Europa, ceres
Surrounded, surrounding
But for I , just for I

Riverside

A broken kite shall not fly
Unless the strongest of the winds blow
Yet, it flies frigid, morbid, a stark memory
Of it's former glory
Thrust into a lateral plane
Wayward, irrelevant, and a sight for an eye to go sore
It is still a kite, only formerly and to those who knew it
Such is the apathy of ones in love
For love is like a sudden gust of wind
Only to fade and eject the soul
Into boundless drudgery
Of cataclysmic proportions
Yet on the outside, the soul seems to not seem so
I know the rivers of such
For my raft has sunk in the same
Too often than not
And now I walk by the banks
Of said river, sans the drench
For I have no inclination
For love is what I have known to be
A mere figment of a delusional mind

Gentle , the night is bitter
The words are worse than hemlock
Yet you share
Even when you needn't
Subtle
The absence, yet so much worse than a nail
Inching into my fingers
Quite is such
Such is your absence
Spelt in debauchery
Worse than chaos, for it spawns order
Your not being around is far more
Yet I pass by
The very image of what I know
In sheer acceptance
Ridiculed by the soul
Of you being long gone
Or going away
Even post my prophylaxis
Your attributes dawn on
As if to torment
Gnaw at my heels
In your sense of privity
Or my sense of depravity
Neither mattered
For neither would have
Neither should I fathom
For you or your essence is erased by you
With turpentine
Dissolved
The colours bleached in an oxymoronic elegance

Rifted

Between you and me
Either strong, maybe stronger
Yet you evade
As you always have
And here I am seeking nothing but your words
And you have enough reasons
Some valid some not
Some quantifiable some inane
But it won't matter, for they don't to you
So shouldn't to me
Right?
Yes, for you won't know
For you know only you

When you are the metaphor for a season
I choose to be my own winter
For it is not as cold as it can get
In your whim and or fancy
Some day you dawn, most days you have been dusk
Yet I have remained as noon
Stark, rigid and burning
your comfort, I seek
Not mine, your's for you matter
Yet I know better and I let go often
For you seem to seek me in loneliness
The other times am nothing less than a pariah
Yet to me you will remain
Always warmly wanted and welcomed

Harpies singing songs of gay
Sweet banshees sing like jazz by the bay
And the sun freezes the ponds and lakes
As the moon lit nights scorch the earth
The fish sits tired post the long walk
And the star is just a mildew speck
The gentle touch of nettle like silk
Abrasive roses are droopy at sleep
The ears see a gentle mist
The eyes hear nothing ahead
The water flowing uphill gently
As the stone falls into the blue skies
These are but how I see things
For these are not how anyone can
So in my unsettled mind
I hear nothing of wonder now.

A gentle splash of rain
More of acrid, less of sane
Between the entangled remenants
Swishy winds and morbid pain
Empty glasses, no sunset nor ice
Nor is the clatter of bratty voices
No echoes, no shadows
No light, no darkness
Yet so much, in such little space
Time in its apace
Age just a milestone on a bleeding heel

Sleep

Where is the solace
When the strings of absolution tugs
Between the obvious and being oblivious
Was a place of peace and calm
Subtracted from realism
Into a surrealistic escape
Only to be constantly awakened by dreams of harrow
Of uncalled thoughts
Long lost etches
Are suddenly prevalent
They may have been but was easily overlooked
Yet now brought to clear
Painted by darkness of sustained fear
Where were you
Where you are now, maybe I was
Maybe I would not be
Sometimes the mind wanders on the wondering
While the time escapes like a shadow in light.
Dawn, hell maybe it is dusk
Either matters not
For nor does daylight nor star lit skies
Maybe it will all be a dreaded dream
And I will wake up in cold sweat.

Degrading

In a valiant bubble
She is sold an idea of matrimony
Imposed a prison of pseudo choices
Brainwashed into motherhood
All she needs is a man
For her life is but a waste
All she should do is look good
And get a man to fall for her
She had dreams that were drained away
She sold her will to be a second fiddle
As an auxillary
As a tag along
For she has not real dreams
Nor a life worth living
All she is is a waste
She is but a girl
Who shall grow up to be a wife
A woman only in sexuality
Mostly frigid or untended to
She is a forced mother
For the ideas of such are deemed defining
She is a puppet, or so she has to be
Yet she raises her daughters the same
For she will never be free
Not because she cannot
But cos she is lazy
She is just a woman
A toy of her own choices
To be picked up by a man

Loner

Often we seek company
Yet at most we are better off alone
For the mind does not like to be tuned
To be set like to a radio station
There could be music on, or news
Yet neither is enough to sustain the mind
Such is our mind
We all seek an escape too often
Yet are bound to unwanted mandates
Policies and processes
Like a ball and chain
Such is what continued company spawns
And so the mind seeks to escape
Those who give in to such wilt and wither
Those who don't wouldn't
Once in a while a group may help
Bring forth our so called social need
Yet in prolonged company one must start to adhere
The mind is not one that really likes the checks and balances
It wants to soar the skies
Walk on the sea, brush the rim of the highest wave
Arise out of the entrapment , is its search
From some fool who mandated company

That snowy Evening

Was that ye Sir Robert
Who had stopped by my woods that snowy evening
I thought you sought solace sir
A lone rider stopping by the unknown woods
I for one was in such thoughts
As your gentle steed came to a halt
I should have been a better host
With some hot tea for ye, some oats for the horse
I was lost in sorrow kind sir
In a morbid conflagration of loneliness
And as you rode away in the snow
I saw the last opportunity to relate fade
The woods are indeed dark and deep
Yet our promises are too hard to keep
Unlike the easy wind and downy snow flakes
The miles I have crossed
Have cost me sleep

Not to sound too desperate
Yet somehow I would like to see you right now
For in a million blinks, I have never stared blank
Maybe your absence is an obvious
Yet I can't make sense of it at all
I have known and understood
Stories of war and loss, of pain and misery
Yet nothing stuck, nor struck
But here I am, clueless and belligerent
In a shameful disconnect
Wanting to have ended, walking down the empty roads
As you sped off into the distance
Your presence was brief, yet it was profound
Depravity or disdain are incomplete to express
"Neither of which matters"
Neither of which matters to me either
In my swirl of errors, forgetfulness, longing and love
Wishing to be held at least a week in love sans pain
How can I be, I have an acumen
To fail, over and over again

Am right at home
beneath the black sky
It is beautiful
Like my soul
Yet , it has nothing
Nothing to show
No price, no value
And all it is, is
Yet it trudges along
Drags me through Styx
Only to wave to the ferryman
No coins to ride
Who would have cared, someone had once
Now those sands have blown away
In a passing
So when it ceases to matter
It will
And all I have is me
Curtailed by broken dreams
Of love and longing
This day is one
And it shall not pass

There is so much to be
Yet in your absence, there is nothing but sorrow
For one such as me
Steadfast and headstrong
Unable to weep at
Some days are better
I can feel the hurt of longing
Other days I feel numb
For the torment is unending
If I could ever gather my own self
I shall hurl it your way
To break like a ming vase
Hurled into a million directions.

The know of your sadness
Stirs up an expanse of torment
While being the cause and effect
Being in utter disarray to remedy
Who shall deliver us either
Neither can your love turn to hatred
Vengeful, powerful and as such easy to overcome
Unlike love, that we both suffer from
As all it can bring , it has brought forth
Pain and wanton suffering
Incurably sharp tones
Of shades the mind cannot even dare to glimpse
Let alone be tainted or painted with
But here we both are
You waiting for my return
I standing where I mustn't be
But as the earth and the sun
Both locked to each other
Or as the mortal musician singing her songs
While the Idol just watches her in helplessness

Darling Airtel

You sell nothing but garbage
In the name of your network
Most of us know, you are just a fake
Now that we are stuck
And your network never sticks
We lose our people often
And our navigation loses its way
All you sell us is lies
All you are is a liar
You gave us GBs of data
That we cannot download at all
When in an argument you drop our lines
And we lose a relationship
When in an emergency
Your network leaves cold and dry
You are nothing but a fake
You are nothing less than garbage
I await my 6 months to pass
To port my number somewhere.

Between the walls of my prison
And the boundaries of my freedom
I ache for you; the third way of uncertainly
The one to the left seeks to take away
What the one on the right wants to keep
Yet the take away wants to play no part
Only be there, not taken
For there is where he has been
Had it been for a whiff of life and love
I would shift left or right
Yet I am drawn to you
Who has no tug at me
Like a floating leaf on an endless ocean
Drawn to you by the undercurrents
One has love the other has too
Yet neither can contain
For the fear I feel that both may turn
Become just the same
So I call out yonder, without a sound or gesture
Knowing you feel as I have always
Yet in both of our tight lipped silent greetings
We have known
How deep the need of to be vehemently wanted is.
Should this tug of war subside
Ending in both or none
I have no desire, to pick up the spoils of this war
For this war has bled me
As the rest of life has, you are no stranger to this
Release me.

I await

As you sat beside me, time had paused
What was a few moments of silence between you and me
Was a million years for this creation
Yet, I selfishly did stop time
For in your love an entirety for divinity could pass
And me the very
Would forget my reasons
As I walked away, I wanted to hear you call my name
Though I made you promise to not call me then
I wish you had broken it, I could have heard you once again
As I walked through the dusty roads
The clouds cried at your sadness
Yet even they paled and stopped for being unable to compare
As my tears turned the road into clay
I have ever since died
Yet in all my presence and pretence, you can see otherwise
I have breathed knowing you long for me
As your life blood has kept me on earth
Knowing I could be with you, but needing to not be
I wait, for you to cover the distance
Pass this birth of man, merge into me
Only then shall I be call complete.

Where forth have you gone

When you sat beside me, and I rested my head on your chest
You offered me no consolation, but a gift of distance
A distance so wide that even my soul would tire treading
Yet I know this light of my soul is but a breath of you
As you walked away from me, you did not turn around
Knowing it could hurt me more
Yet I so wish you had for that would have been another glimpse
Of a face these eyes have seen and wish to see nothing but
I have dissolved the dust in each footprint
Smeared it to my body, drank it
To be one with you, in my uncontrollable sadness
Yet you have not sent a word, nor appeared
I am bound to this air you have exhaled
Whilst you had held me close in an armours embrace
My eyes have burnt its vision staring down the road you walked
And for your longing is an endless torment
Yet you have never sent a word, and knowingly so
Where shall I end and how can I end
For I have died every breath, and the hope of a chance meeting
Keeps me breathing
Knowing this is a folly, but to be wilfully fooled
This absence of you, has even made pain cry for its deliverance from hurting me.

A few million steps
That is all it is now, fore was a few though
Yet from what it was to is
An eon has passed
By, yes
Two of me
Reluctant and for
Lost to such a long conflict
And the war is over
Unsubscribed,
Yet with bloodied hands
The reluctant died
The for, wanders
Wide eyed
Blind and with blinders
Yet in a seek

Date night

The gentle moon light
Shimmering, glowing as a soul escaping
The metal black bird
As she breathes her last
We stand surrounded
Each hand, playing a wailing banshee
Which may merge me with lead
I wouldn't know
There is one I know the allure
Fearful, but inescapable
As the dust spawned by her gentle steel blades settles
it is red beneath my feet
I have seen many moon reflect
Yet in this puddle
Of my own ruby pool
It seems to look as flawless
Spotless, serene, kind, gentle
I fall to my knees, resting my back to her
The gentle bird behind is ready now
So am I
She and I ready to be embers
In this final night out
Of a warm winter night
I close my eyes

If the mirror doesn't moisten
I shall be glad
For that would mean I am away forever
Beyond the torment
Beyond the reach
Of mortal feelings and morbid craving
When the fingers don't curl
Where the eyes don't blink
In Dante's imagination
Home, as I would call it
For I have lived in one
In your absence
Or maybe in your existing absence
Who would know
I would, but who would I be
For neither in life nor in its absence
Shall I be
In your company
Fitting, ah Poetic Justice
To sleep in the boughs of oblivion

Flowering dreams

In my myriad thoughts
Often of just knowing
If you remember my name
I would wish for more
Yet, it is far fetched
For my destiny is to be
In my own company
But as a human
I still seem to long
For not much as most do
But as little as a sunflower does
Face the sun as it rises
Wither away at some point
Following
Though to the sun, it is but routine
Yet I seek an acknowledgement
Knowing it shall be nothing
Nothing more than a psychedelic dream
But the sunlight has 7
I have only 4
With that thought I rest
Shackled to my own
In absence, forlorn
Scattered to winds.

I dream of a day
Of your surrender
When you shall see none
Only me, surrounding your eyes
As you stare into me
I shall just close mine
Feel your eyes glance my eye lids
Gracing them with your sight
Your gaze fades my darkest storms
Your touch heals my deepest hurt
I wish I could be the same for you
Beyond all I know
Beyond all I see
I see nothing but you
And I see me waiting for you to reach out
If you ever would, I would explode
Like a star at it end of its final wait
Into colours and light
Beyond wonder beyond known
Like your kiss makes me feel
Moulded into perfection
Moulded to you

I am used to being in the rain
I seek no shelter , for i have none
I have no umbrella or a plank
There is no tree, where I stand
It is barren,
Yet the rain brings me no comfort
For i am always the one left out in it
And the rain like a million needles
Pierce my soul
Where I stand even the puddles don't form
The ground refuses to enrich what is beneath my feet
All I have is given
Yet nothing, not even a leaf to shelter me
And if not now, tomorrow then
Just like them all, when you may fade
I would still be there in the rain
Still,
Waiting for nothing
For nothing is all I have

A quick try at Janaki Vs Anjaneya.
Feel free to poke at it, constructive or destructive feedback welcome.

--------------

Anjaneya
You speak of wisdom yet you are a mere monkey
Yet you are so called the epitome of love
Beyond what even I would be called
You chew at the pearls gifted
You run amok in the gardens
You have swallowed the sun
Yet you seek to outmatch me?

Maata I wouldn't even think
Nor would even try
For you are his own extension
Yet all I am is a monkey by instinct
You, a human, sentient, beautiful

He would cross the sea for you
He has not crossed the door for me
He has spoken , while the world heard
Yet he never put me above any
Neither I deserve, nor do I demand
For you are all he would desire
I am just a mere monkey

Anjaneya, you speak so
Yet I feel so insignificant
You who soared the skies, burned a kingdom
Only to ask if I was well
Why is it so that he loves you more?
And why is it that you answer to his name?
Why is it my name stands for me?
Yet you are addressed as his before me?

Maate, I serve him, I serve you
I do not see beyond his very presence
As I rip open my chest witness
You stand next to him, sans I
For I am but a mere monkey
Who cannot even dare to match
And I shall blindly follow
Where you order me to fly

At this the sky trembled
A great voice was heard
Anjenaya, you are my breath, she is my consort
Today I speak beyond my silence
Let it be known to those who ask
Anjaneya and Janaki are beyond compare
For Anjaneya was the eyes I saw through
When Janaki who is my vision was stolen.

Insurmountable

You seem calm
Yet the very storm in your soul rages
Out to rip apart the very fabric of emotion
Rewrite it in your own image
Should you chance upon love
They wouldn't know
They see just flowers, sunsets holding hands, and faux words
Unlike them I see your extent
The method in your madness
The chaos you can unleash, on such text book lovers
Why do you feel left out
It is not by choice you are
Nor are you left behind
The failings are utterly theirs
Just foolish incompetence
Like a wayward drunk, staggering to his bed
Only to fall asleep, drunk, not intoxicated
Your lunacy of love is like the infinity
Unfathomable, unsurmountable
And they are mere mortals
Breathe, see them beg for love and talk of such
Yet see them choke
At the very touch of your love.

When one as such as you
Shall peep through the shattered windows
Of my heart, a ransacked ruin
The light that you block, casts gentle shadows
It is the shade
Of your form
That when cast, brings forth a gentleness
For otherwise, even moon light scorches
Gently as you touch the walls
Now of stone, they weren't so once, they become sheets of satin
As you tred past them deeper into my soul
The floors of the ruin feel paved, of smoothed cobblestones
When you looked at this dilapidated heart
It was blue, cold and deadened by hemlock
And as you touched it, you redden it, making it rage, race, fly
My heart once flew towards love,
Burning my wings
And this time sensing my flightless will
You love, has come to me
I couldn't ever be the Phoenix
for love at best had only invoked great fear and hurt
Yet you love, never gave up
You reach back to me
As my Mason and my carpenter
To build back , to breathe into my soul

Calm

She looks into my eyes
Towering, crouched like a tree
She like the fragrant clay, covering me
As I lie, a long fallen tree
In her deepest reaches
She has engulfed all that is me
Mind, body, soul and bearing
I see myself throughout her expanse
And as she holds my shoulders
I hear her voice, an echo like a nova
Silent, in space yet musically aloud in vision
As her warmth comforts me
I feel me melt into stardust

Far but never gone

When you should have reached out
You stepped aside
When I have walked forward
You are left behind
Though in my mind
But not in my stride
And such is love
Once rejected
Forever gone
You reach out
And I still hold your hands
Yet even now
My eyes still brighten
At your very sight, my ears drown in joy
Though my heart knows
I have walked by
Beyond, walked far on

Desire

In a gentle tug
As she lays cuddled, her hair covers my face
In the dark night
The moon light makes her eyes sparkle
My lips yearn to taste the honey
Of her gentle hungry kiss
As her fingers burrow through my hair
As my tongue seeks to taste her skin
Of her nape and shoulders
I see her look back and smile gentle
Shy, yet fierce
Cuddly yet vicious
As her skin brushes against mine
In the bare embrace
I just wish to stop the time

Hunger

In her hungry tugs
And warm embrace
There is nothing more than the infinite space
Yet so close
Like a mind on a sensual chase
As her warm skin touches my bearded face
Her belly button shudders in a violent phase
As I taste her gentle scent
She lets out a gentle sigh
Her voice filling the innards of the mind
Awakens rabid lust yet in a soothing phase
And her face shies into a satin pillow
Clenching her fists on velvet sheets
When her wildness overtakes
Her hunger is wide awake
Yet in subtle hues
Like a winter warm morning
I feel her lips on my face
She may be here beside
So do I seem to be
But neither of us really are
We are just two comets lost in space
Whirling into each
Entwined
In all that a feminity has to offer
And her union with the masculine
I hear her calling my name
In lustful gasps of utter grace