Neither

 Restraint

 from having to reach out

intrude 

I stop

feel a void

expand it further

my insides cave

die a million times

over

I speak

in stories

to myself 

to mask

an absence

of her laughter

make myself feel

a self I rarely know exists

but does

I've allowed to show

banter

as if this moment 

will simply pass

or arrive

what if it does neither

and in it all

I allow myself to fall

into such desire

unfathomable

untamed

and somehow

innocent