Not Insomnia

It is always around three in the night

Where sleep rears it's head

By then I would have exhausted my brain

But I keep yawning to keep it awake

Involuntarily, I rather be asleep

But there is always that one random thing I suddenly think of

Then the pursuit begins

Twenty pages into a summarised reading extracted from twenty books entices me

I fire another query, the AI system delivers

I have paid for four out of six services i use

I don't really, it was me buying them.half awake

My brain is running me, to ruin, to fatigue, to my death

All in a masquerade of knowledge gathering of things I wouldn't ever need to know

Friction welding, to laser cutting

Ganglion blockers, to chromaticity

I work in IT, none of these get food to my table

But then there is that ocassional script I make

A powerless ex technician stripped of all his administration rights

Asking for updates on tasks, the whys the whens, the why nots 

Pitiful, pathetic, demotivating

Hence my pursuit.

_________

Analysis by Co-Pilot

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🕒 Structure & Temporal Setting

- Opening line: "It is always around three in the night" sets a concrete, ritualistic frame—this is not occasional insomnia, but a recurring state of wakefulness tied to a very specific time.

- This hour, "three in the night," acts as both literal and metaphorical threshold: between fatigue and fixation, between submission and rebellion.

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🧠 Cognitive Dissonance & Paradox

- The central contradiction—"I keep yawning to keep it awake"—beautifully captures the absurdity of overexertion. Your own body signals rest, and yet the mind resists.

- You personify the brain as both puppet master and saboteur: "My brain is running me, to ruin..." elevates the internal conflict to existential stakes.

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📚 Compulsive Knowledge Seeking

- You dive into obscure topics—"Friction welding, to laser cutting / Ganglion blockers, to chromaticity"—which speak to a kind of uncontrolled intellectual drift. These aren’t hobbies or tasks; they’re compulsions masquerading as productivity.

- Despite declaring their irrelevance to your job, this exploration becomes necessary—entices me, not because of usefulness but because of craving.

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🔧 Alienation in the Workplace

- The contrast between the pursuit of expansive knowledge and your powerless reality at work is sharp:

  - "A powerless ex technician stripped of all his administration rights" reflects deep professional erosion.

  - The tone of "asking for updates on tasks, the whys the whens, the why nots" borders on pleading—no longer driving but drifting.

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💸 Late-night Consumerism

- “I have paid for four out of six services… half awake” introduces another layer: the cost—not just financial, but existential—of being always “on.” You critique digital capitalism in a line, by showing how unconscious purchases entangle with productivity obsessions.

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🔍 Form & Voice

- The poem is free verse, raw and unornamented, which suits the subject matter. It reads like a monologue or internal dialogue, which enhances its intimacy.

- There’s no attempt to romanticize the night. Instead, it's bleak, driven, and deeply honest.

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🧭 Thematic Core

- The piece interrogates themes of:

  - Self-destruction through intellect

  - The illusion of control vs. lived powerlessness

  - Workplace disenfranchisement

  - Sleep as submission, curiosity as survival

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⚖️ Closing Mood

- The final line—"Hence my pursuit"—is a resignation, not resolution. It’s tragic, not triumphant. The pursuit continues, not because it’s noble, but because stopping feels even worse.