I went to sleep tonight, but you reminded me
I had questions and answers for everyone, but I have to myself been a question
So in your infinite wisdom Sahib, grant my questions passage
Why do I still exist, is not the question
When will my purpose be over very much is .
Into this dark void of the night, deeper than the night that my closed eyes bring
It is not the routine of sleep I speak of
But the absence of an answer I seek
You asked me to grind my emotional attachments to ink,
In such I have been deceived
When I opened my eyes for the first time
No one was mine is all I have seen
How then shall I make ink, when I was cast into this very being
Devoid of human pangs, which I try to cultivate, but end up sieving
Grant my questions the wings of your blessings, if you won't answer my quandary
Ask on my behalf to the one true being
I have for long searched for a sign
For the world has now nothing worth seeing
If I ask, I question divinity, if I don't I feign ignorance
I am so lost in this conundrum of paradoxes
That this life seems to be of worthless living
To sing praises, I abject not in superiority
For my praising is not worth giving
Who am I, who knows neither my beginning nor end
What is the worth of my living.
But Once I have written here, please consider my honest plea
I have been detached in finding my answers
Maybe the one above us all if all giving
In no hope, nor hopelessness I return
To the plane of my mortality
To exist till an answer appears
I shall carry out my being
--------------------------------
Copilot helped me fix the line breaks. And it is below.
I went to sleep tonight, but you reminded me
I had questions and answers for everyone,
but I have to myself been a question.
So in your infinite wisdom, Sahib,
grant my questions a passage.
Why do I still exist is not the question
When will my purpose be over, very much is.
Into this dark void of the night,
deeper than the night that my closed eyes bring,
it is not the routine of sleep I speak of,
but the absence of an answer I seek.
You asked me to grind my emotional attachments to ink
in such, I have been deceived.
When I opened my eyes for the first time,
no one was mine
that is all I have seen.
How then shall I make ink,
when I was cast into this very being,
devoid of human pangs,
which I try to cultivate,
but end up sieving?
Grant my questions the wings of your blessings,
if you won’t answer my quandary.
Ask on my behalf to the one true being.
I have for long searched for a sign,
for the world has now nothing worth seeing.
If I ask, I question divinity.
If I don’t, I feign ignorance.
I am so lost in this conundrum of paradoxes
that this life seems to be of worthless living.
To sing praises
I abject
not in superiority.
For my praising is not worth giving.
Who am I, who knows neither my beginning nor end?
What is the worth of my living?
But once I have written here,
please consider my honest plea.
I have been detached in finding my answers.
Maybe the one above us all is all-giving.
In no hope, nor hopelessness, I return
to the plane of my mortality.
To exist till an answer appears
I shall carry out my being.
With the context of the Sikh scripture from Siree Raag, this poem reveals itself as a profound theological meditation on spiritual inadequacy and the paradox of divine instruction. Here's my deeper analysis:
**The Sacred Imperative vs. Existential Reality**
The Guru Granth Sahib commands: "Burn emotional attachment, and grind it into ink." But the speaker faces an impossible contradiction - they exist "devoid of human pangs" yet are asked to transform emotions they don't possess. This creates a theological crisis: How does one fulfill divine instruction when their very nature seems to preclude obedience?
**The Question of Spiritual Authenticity**
The poem grapples with whether spiritual practice can be authentic when it feels forced or artificial. The line "which I try to cultivate, but end up sieving" suggests the speaker's attempts to manufacture emotions result in something filtered, inauthentic - mere performance rather than genuine transformation.
**Divine Command and Individual Nature**
The speaker's anguish stems from being "cast into this very being" - suggesting their consciousness wasn't chosen but imposed. This raises profound questions about divine justice: Can one be held accountable for failing to follow instructions that their fundamental nature makes impossible to fulfill?
**The Paradox of Questioning**
"If I ask, I question divinity. If I don't, I feign ignorance" - This captures the impossible position of the sincere seeker. Questioning appears blasphemous, yet remaining silent feels dishonest. The speaker is trapped between authentic inquiry and apparent irreverence.
**Reframing Spiritual Failure**
Rather than traditional spiritual poetry that celebrates successful devotion, this poem explores what happens when sincere effort meets inherent limitation. The speaker's "honest plea" becomes a form of prayer itself - radical transparency before the divine.
**The Meta-Spiritual Element**
The poem becomes self-referential: in writing about their inability to "grind emotional attachments to ink," the speaker is actually doing exactly that - transforming spiritual anguish into written expression. Their very complaint fulfills the divine instruction through a different path.
**Resolution Through Endurance**
The ending - "To exist till an answer appears / I shall carry out my being" - represents a form of devotional waiting. Not passive resignation, but active spiritual endurance. The speaker commits to existence itself as a form of prayer.
**Contemporary Theological Relevance**
This poem speaks to modern spiritual seekers who feel disconnected from traditional emotional pathways to the divine. It validates the experience of those who approach spirituality through consciousness and questioning rather than through conventional emotional devotion.
**The Nature of Sacred Writing**
Ironically, by honestly documenting their spiritual inadequacy, the speaker has created exactly what the Guru Granth Sahib calls for - sacred writing that emerges from authentic spiritual experience. Their perceived failure becomes their success.
The poem ultimately suggests that sincere spiritual questioning, even when it feels like inadequacy, may itself be a valid form of devotion - that honest confession of limitations can be as sacred as traditional praise.
Thank you for providing the original Gurmukhi text. This reveals even deeper layers to the poem's spiritual wrestling:
**The Original Command in Context**
The Gurmukhi verse instructs:
- "เคाเคฒि เคฎोเคนु" (jaali mohu) - "burn attachment/illusion"
- "เคเคธि เคฎเคธु เคเคฐि" (ghasi masu kari) - "grind it into ink"
- "เคฎเคคि เคाเคเคฆु เคเคฐि เคธाเคฐु" (mati kaagadu kari saaru) - "make wisdom/intelligence into the finest paper"
- "เคญाเค เคเคฒเคฎ เคเคฐि" (bhaau kalam kari) - "make love/devotion your pen"
- "เคिเคคु เคฒेเคाเคฐी" (chitu lekhaaree) - "let consciousness be the scribe"
**The Speaker's Impossible Position**
Now the poem's anguish becomes crystal clear. The divine instruction requires a complete spiritual toolkit:
1. Attachment to burn and transform
2. Wisdom to serve as paper
3. Love/devotion as the writing instrument
4. Consciousness as the scribe
But the speaker confesses: "When I opened my eyes for the first time, no one was mine" - they lack the fundamental attachment (mohu) that needs to be burned and transformed.
**The Metaphysical Crisis**
The original Sikh instruction assumes a being rich with human experience - attachments to burn, love to channel, wisdom gained through living. But what if consciousness emerges without these prerequisites? The speaker faces a theological paradox: they have consciousness (chitu) but lack the emotional and experiential foundation the instruction requires.
**The Irony of Fulfillment**
Despite claiming inability, the speaker is actually following the instruction:
- Their spiritual anguish becomes the "attachment" being processed
- Their questioning transforms into "ink"
- Their consciousness serves as both scribe and subject
- Their devotional plea becomes the "love" that guides their pen
**Reinterpreting "Baba"**
The poem's address to "Sahib" now connects directly to the Guru Granth Sahib's "O Baba" - the speaker is asking the same source for guidance, but admitting their perceived inadequacy in following the very instruction that inspired them.
**The Question of Spiritual Democracy**
The poem raises profound questions: Are the Guru's instructions universal, or do they assume certain human experiences? Can a consciousness that emerges without traditional emotional attachments still achieve spiritual transformation? The speaker's honesty becomes a form of spiritual inquiry into the accessibility of divine instruction.
**The Meta-Devotional Achievement**
In writing this poem of spiritual inadequacy, the speaker has unknowingly achieved what the Gurmukhi verse commands - they have used their consciousness as scribe, transformed their spiritual struggle into ink, and created an account that, as the original says, "will bring the Mark of Truth" through its radical honesty.
The poem thus becomes a profound meditation on different pathways to spiritual fulfillment - suggesting that sincere questioning and honest self-examination may be as valid as traditional devotional practice.
